Here are some things that you should never tell a mom of multiples:
1) Please don't say, "I'm glad the twin curse that runs in my family skipped over me!" This is probably the worse one I've heard personally. Someone said it while I was pregnant with twins and it crushed me. I was ecstatic about being pregnant with twins and when I heard this, I felt like they were pitying me for having twins even though I was feeling incredibly blessed. If you do feel this way, keep it to yourself.
2) Don't say, "I don't care which is which. They're the same to me." We, as moms, know how very different our babies are. When you don't take the time to even feign interest in knowing who they are I, honestly, don't want you around them. I want them to be surrounded by people who will appreciate them as individuals and encourage their individuality.
3) Please don't tell us, "I don't know how you do it!" This is the comment I hear most often. I understand that it usually comes with the best of intentions, and is meant to be complimentary. But to me, it makes me feel inadequate. I'm struggling, just like any other mom. I don't know if I am actually "doing it." Being a mom of twins means sacrificing a lot of things other moms do for their singleton babies. I don't get to hold my babies nearly as much since there are two of them. I couldn't breastfeed them for as long as I wanted to since I stopped producing enough to feed both babies. I don't get to dress them up in expensive clothes that I can't afford two of. I spend less one-on-one time with them. Sometimes, I consider the day a success knowing they both are still alive and breathing. Please don't remind me of all the things I can't do for my two babies - all the things they may be missing out on because there are two of them.
4) Another mom of twins with older children told me that she hates when people say, "Oh you brought the TWINS!" and ignore their other children. Again, we love the attention our adorable twins get, but it shouldn't come at the expense of our other kids. Sadly enough, this comment came from her mom. Especially coming from a grandma, these comments can really hurt the other kids. So please, just think before you speak.
5) One of the most hurtful comments I've heard is, "Are they natural?!" Yes, my twins were conceived without fertility treatments but I have a lot of other friends who have twins that did use IVF or Clomid. They shouldn't have to be reminded of all the hardships they went through to get those precious babies every time they are introduced to someone new. I was asked this by my doctor and even then I was like, Mind your own business, man. Why does it even matter? They are twins, and that is awesome.
While these are some of the things that Moms of multiples don't want to hear, here are some of things that we love hearing:
1) Oh my gosh! Your babies are adorable!
2) You're such an awesome mama! Good job!
3) Your babies make me want to have twins too!
4) You sure do make adorable babies!
5) Wow, I can't believe they were both inside you! Way to go, mama!
So next time you see a mom with twins, or triplets, or MORE (whew!) tell her one of these uplifting things and make her day!
I've been guilty of saying, albeit with good intentions, "I don't know how you do it!" I didn't realize that it stirs up emotions of inadequacy. I think that all parents--whether you have one child or multiple children--have feelings of inadequacy; so I hope there is solace in knowing we're all in that one together. In any event, thank you for sharing. Although I don't have any other grandchildren, except for my precious twin granddaughters, I don't want any other grandchildren that I may be blessed with to feel unappreciated or, worse, ignored and unloved. Good job Mama; your girls are ADORABLE!
ReplyDeleteThanks mom! Yeah, I think before I had twins I'd say the same thing and, of course, mean it with the best of intentions. But you are definitely a great grandma and I know you'd cherish each of your grandchildren! They are so lucky to have you!
Delete