Three Traps to Avoid As a Twin Mom.

As mothers in general, we have tendencies to do things based on convenience, impatience, exhaustion -- you name it. As mothers of twins, those tendencies are doubled. We neglect very important things because of this. Based on my own experience, I have come up with three traps that we should be vigilant of as twin moms and try to avoid.

1) Don't forget to spend one-on-one time with your kids. This is probably one of the biggest traps twin moms fall into. Even with just the twins, I have been guilty of putting them in their exersaucers and just letting them play and I'm sure it's even more difficult with other children in addition to the twins. But it is so important, even simply on a psychological and developmental level, for our kids to have one-on-one time with their mom. Try to find times during the day to set aside the dishes, stop doing laundry, or pause on making dinner to hold your babies individually. Snuggle with them, tickle them and just observe them and breathe them in. They need to know that you are not just the maid, you're not just the cook - but you're their mom too. Those other things can afford to be neglected, but your children can't.

2) Don't neglect your husband. Before kids, you were head over heels for him. Now that you have kids that shouldn't change. Get that schedule down so your babies can sleep through the night (click here for advice on Sleep Training) so that you can have an uninterrupted night with your hubby. I firmly believe in putting your spouse before your children. You may think that its better to put your children first, but they need to see how a healthy marriage works and that means putting him first. Kiss him as he leaves in the morning, and when he walks through the door yell, "Daddy's home!" and kiss him again. You are benefiting your kids a lot more than you know by loving their daddy and showing it.

3) Don't forget about yourself! We often think of ourselves last, or even not at all, when we assess the needs of the family. But if you are going to do this twin mom thing, you need some "Sanity Time". My Sanity Time consists of craft time, going to Zumba and Hot Hula classes, writing on this blog, and having a Girl's night with friends every once in a while. Find time during the day to do something just for you. Set up a time with your husband so he can watch the kids while you take a break even if its just for an hour. If you have other mommy friends, have them do the same thing and have a girls' night together! It's really one of the most important things you can do as a mom - you NEED a break!

Now that you know, from another twin mom, traps that you can expect along your journey - avoid them at all costs! Don't neglect individual time with your kids, your husband, or yourself! Doing these things will make being a Twin Mom easier, I promise!

Five Things Moms of Multiples Don't Want To Hear.

For moms of multiples, triplets, or more - our babies are a spectacle. They draw attention wherever we go. Honestly, I love the attention! I think my girls are pretty dang adorable, and love those who tell me they're adorable too! But sometimes, there is unwanted attention. Snide comments that make me feel inadequate, defensive, or worse.

Here are some things that you should never tell a mom of multiples:

1) Please don't say, "I'm glad the twin curse that runs in my family skipped over me!" This is probably the worse one I've heard personally. Someone said it while I was pregnant with twins and it crushed me. I was ecstatic about being pregnant with twins and when I heard this, I felt like they were pitying me for having twins even though I was feeling incredibly blessed. If you do feel this way, keep it to yourself.

2) Don't say, "I don't care which is which. They're the same to me." We, as moms, know how very different our babies are. When you don't take the time to even feign interest in knowing who they are I, honestly, don't want you around them. I want them to be surrounded by people who will appreciate them as individuals and encourage their individuality.

3) Please don't tell us, "I don't know how you do it!" This is the comment I hear most often. I understand that it usually comes with the best of intentions, and is meant to be complimentary. But to me, it makes me feel inadequate. I'm struggling, just like any other mom. I don't know if I am actually "doing it." Being a mom of twins means sacrificing a lot of things other moms do for their singleton babies. I don't get to hold my babies nearly as much since there are two of them. I couldn't breastfeed them for as long as I wanted to since I stopped producing enough to feed both babies. I don't get to dress them up in expensive clothes that I can't afford two of. I spend less one-on-one time with them. Sometimes, I consider the day a success knowing they both are still alive and breathing. Please don't remind me of all the things I can't do for my two babies - all the things they may be missing out on because there are two of them.

4) Another mom of twins with older children told me that she hates when people say, "Oh you brought the TWINS!" and ignore their other children.  Again, we love the attention our adorable twins get, but it shouldn't come at the expense of our other kids. Sadly enough, this comment came from her mom. Especially coming from a grandma, these comments can really hurt the other kids. So please, just think before you speak.

5) One of the most hurtful comments I've heard is, "Are they natural?!" Yes, my twins were conceived without fertility treatments but I have a lot of other friends who have twins that did use IVF or Clomid. They shouldn't have to be reminded of all the hardships they went through to get those precious babies every time they are introduced to someone new. I was asked this by my doctor and even then I was like, Mind your own business, man. Why does it even matter? They are twins, and that is awesome.

While these are some of the things that Moms of multiples don't want to hear, here are some of things that we love hearing:

1) Oh my gosh! Your babies are adorable!

2) You're such an awesome mama! Good job!

3) Your babies make me want to have twins too!

4) You sure do make adorable babies!

5) Wow, I can't believe they were both inside you! Way to go, mama!

So next time you see a mom with twins, or triplets, or MORE (whew!) tell her one of these uplifting things and make her day!

The Breastfeeding Debate.

Breastfeeding is one of the most controversial topics for new mothers. I struggled for a long time with this debate and all the guilt associated with not breastfeeding.

I fed my girls (from the breast) for just a matter of weeks.

After getting diagnosed with my heart condition and being separated from the girls for four days shortly after their birth, they were already used to the bottle. When I would try to breastfeed them, they would scream and I'd spend an hour trying to calm them down so we could try again. When you have to do that times two it is just EXHAUSTING. I went to WIC and talked to the lactation specialist who was The Ultimate Guilt-Tripper. She told me to spend an hour with each baby (separately) in order to get them used to the breast. They were eating every two hours so that meant breastfeeding 24/7. Um, heck no.

When I told her I wanted to pump exclusively, it was like I was giving up. It's like breast milk from a bottle doesn't count or something. Anyways, I decided to pump exclusively and did successfully for about 2 months. The lasix I was given for my heart drained all the water out of me every time I took it, and subsequently "dried me up". I was supplementing with formula and the ratio of formula to breast milk kept increasing until it was mostly formula. Kurt would remind me throughout the day, "Oh baby, you need to go pump." I was exhausted, I knew pumping would give me only an ounce if that and we'd just be using formula anyways. I think I took a lot of my frustrations out on Kurt. To me, it felt like I was being forced to pump. It was a touchy topic in our marriage for a few weeks. We talked about it and decided that it was best for both the girls and I if we just stuck to formula and Kurt supported me 100%. By the time we moved to Utah when the girls were 3 1/2 months they just drank formula and have ever since.

But I have felt other moms (especially other moms of twins) express their judgement for those moms who choose to formula feed their babies. So much guilt is associated with formula. I hate it. It needs to stop.

Something needs to be understood:
- All moms want to breastfeed, but not all are able to. Deal with it. 
- After the baby is 6 months old, there are no additional health benefits to breastmilk vs. formula 
- Everyone has their own story (just like me) and we all want to choose what is best for our family
- Stop judging! Why do women antagonize other women? We're all mothers. We all want the best for our kids, right? You can choose what is best for your child, let me choose what is best for mine. Can we still be friends? 

If you are a young mother struggling with breastfeeding and are losing your sanity, don't feel obligated to continue trying to feed your baby from the breast based on guilt. Don't feel the need to explain your decision to every other mom you meet. You don't need to. This woman's post really resonated with me. She had breast cancer, had to have a double mastectomy, and people judged her because she was formula feeding. Some people still judged her even after she said why she can't breastfeed. Geez, people, LAY OFF!

If you're a husband and you see your wife struggling with breastfeeding, support her. Encourage her, but don't make her feel guilty if she wants to formula feed. She is trying her best, so don't force her. You honestly, literally have no idea what it's like.

For those people who feel uncomfortable around breastfeeding women, you need to stop your judging too.

I love this article because it promotes the idea that we need to stop referring to it as "breastfeeding" but rather just "feeding". We're not feeding a breast are we? No. We're feeding a baby. Women shouldn't need to cover up to feed their baby whether it's from a bottle or a breast. If she wants to (which I did when I breastfed) then that's great. But she doesn't need to. If you think it's sexual or something weird like that, it's because you're making it that way. Breasts are first and foremost for feeding babies. Let's remember that.

Sorry to be preaching from on top of a soapbox, but I feel that this topic is extremely prevalent among mothers. It's really sad that women put down other women in mothering their children when there are so many other things going against womanhood/motherhood already.

Lastly, to all mothers: You are great! You are wonderful, and no one knows what is best for your child except you.

Why You Shouldn't Compare Your Twins.

So.... I need to make a confession.

I am guilty of constantly comparing my children. Comparing them to each other, comparing them to other babies their age, comparing them to other babies not their age, etc. I have been doing this to the point that it drives me CRAZY because my girls aren't walking at 6 months or haven't said "mama" yet or are still just rolling around on their backs and tummies rather than trying to get up on their hands and knees and crawl.

In the past few days I have realized something. I need to STOP.

Constantly comparing is not fair to anyone. I think because there are two of them I feel the need to try to compensate for there only being one of me by trying to push them to do things too soon. At three months when they weren't rolling over, I would push them onto their sides and hope that they rolled the other half. I met a lady on a Facebook group called "Utah Valley Moms of Multiples" who has 7 month old twin girls who are both already walking with the assistance of those little toy shopping carts! When I learned that, I thought Oh my gosh, Aria & Cadence have so much to catch up on!!!

But as I've thought more and more about it, they are so ahead in other aspects of their lives. They are only 6 months old and are both getting 2 teeth on top which brings their tooth count to a grand total of 4 for each of them. They are eating solids like champs and have eaten a variety of things from pears to guava to squash and even mango while other older babies we know are still exclusively on formula or breastmilk. And finally, they sleep for eleven hours straight each night which is one of my very favorite things.

If I compared all the things Aria & Cadence are still working on to all the awesome things other babies can do, then they'll never measure up. But considering all the SUPER awesome things they can do, they really do exceed the bar.

I love these girls so much and am so proud of them.

They are growing and learning at their own pace and that's good enough for me.

Being A Stay At Home Mom.

So, I've held this title of "Stay-At-Home Mom" for a little over six months now, and how do I feel about it?

It is truly the best job I've ever had!

I have always grown up knowing that when I had children I was going to stay at home with them just like my mom was able to do for me and my siblings. It made the most sense to me. I am able to do everything with my sweet daughters that I've always wanted to: sing to them, read to them, take them to the park, take them to the library, learn with them, play with them. It is SUCH a privilege for me to do all of these things. I know that there are a lot of single parents who don't have this luxury and my heart goes out to them. I am just so grateful that I have this time with my babies so that I can watch them grow and be there for every single step in their lives.

Today, for example, both Aria and Cadence were able to sit for a long time on their own without tipping over! Sounds trivial, but I was there to see it and Kurt (who is at work and school for most of the day) wasn't. It is so amazing to experience these moments as they happen and I am just sad that Kurt can't do that all the time.

Don't get me wrong, the job isn't all ups. It has its occasional downs - like two babies screaming at the top of their lungs in unison while you make bottles. Or two babies screaming at the top of their lungs while you are driving on the freeway and have no time to pull over and stick their pacifiers back in. Everything is more overwhelming when two babies are screaming at the same time, trust me.

But if I wasn't a Stay-At-Home Mom, I would've missed all of these wonderful moments:

Dressing the girls up for a dip in the pool in their brand-new swimsuits!

Cadence crying because the water was too cold.

Aria trying out her new exersaucer.

Playing with balloons for the first time.

Cadence trying out the new jumperoo.

Sleeping soundly for their (unheard of) four hour nap.

Trying to coax my stubborn Aria into smiling for a mommy/daughter selfie.

Wearing their gender reveal coats for the first time :) 

Nakey babies knocked out after playing so hard.

Aria getting all wrapped up in the blanket after learning how to roll.

Checking out some books at the library.

They were playing a game of who could take out each other's pacifiers first.

Cute Cadence finally smiling for a selfie with mama.

Aria having more fun with the curtain than the toys on the exersaucer.

Cadence actually bouncing in the jumperoo for the first time!

I get to do this. I don't have to. I don't need to. I get to.

And I wouldn't change a single thing.

Terrified.

Sometimes, I get terrified. As horrible as that sounds, I really do have nights where I just break down in front of Kurt and tell him, "I'm scared."

Sometimes, I'm scared to have twins.

I'm afraid I'll mix them up as babies and they'll live their whole entire lives as the other person because of my mistake.

I'm scared of all the faces of strangers turning in anger towards the mother who can't control her two screaming babies during Church, or on a plane, or at the store.

I'm scared that I'll favor one over the other or say something hurtful like, "Why can't you be more like your sister?"

I'm scared that I'll involuntarily fall into a bout of Postpartum Depression after they are born.

I'm scared that I won't be able to breastfeed them, or that they will reject me and only take formula or only let other people feed them.

I'm afraid that they will always be "the twins" or "the girls" and never have their own identities.

I'm afraid that when the nurses place my two beautiful girls in my arms after they are born I will look at their fragile bodies and think, "Someone else hold them. I don't know what I'm doing. Please, someone. Anyone."

Most of all, I'm scared that I won't be able to handle being the mother of twins. I'm afraid that I'll just stand there helpless most of the time, amidst two bawling babies, saying to them, "I'm so sorry. I just... can't."

But I know, without a doubt, that Heavenly Father wouldn't have blessed us with twins if we couldn't handle it. If I couldn't handle it. I'll make mistakes, I'll feel terrible, I'll say things I don't mean, I'll stumble on my journey through motherhood and struggle to hold back tears at times, but I know I can do it. I know that it is the biggest privilege, biggest responsibility, biggest trial and biggest blessing I've ever been given.

On the airplane after coming back from my 32 week appointment :)

I know I have a wonderful husband to lean on when I feel weak, and a great family to help me when I need it. I know I have a loving Heavenly Father that will strengthen me as I travel down this new, unfamiliar road.

The Body Of A Mother.

Something that has been on my mind lately is just how many changes my body is going through. This petite 5'2" figure of mine has transformed incredibly in the last 26 weeks. I was looking at pre-pregnancy photos of me a few weeks ago and started to feel a little depressed at how "good" I used to look and how much I don't look like that currently. At my last appointment, I discovered that I have officially gained 20 pounds since becoming pregnant. Then, in the past two or three weeks (I blame all the holiday feasts), stretch marks have been appearing all over my once cute pregnant bump.

One night, I was complaining to Kurt about the lines slowly creeping their way across my belly and he just said, "I think they're beautiful."

He really is the best husband. I'm the luckiest.

Then, like fate, this article appeared in my Facebook news feed. The author gave me a new perspective on my changing body.

She writes, "I have dark pools under my eyes. A valley where my belly button once was. Hips with a new amplitude that my teenage self wouldn't recognize. I have lines mapped across the mountains of stretched skin left over on my midsection. Lightning bolts on my sides proving I once was too small to contain all of the love that filled me. Lines indicating that my daughter once lived inside of me... Those mountains of skin are all I have left to prove that we were once one and not two."

Now, I look at these new stripes as an indication of my healthy, growing daughters. How lucky am I to bare these symbols of motherhood? How lucky am I to be the mother of twins? Not every woman has the opportunity to wear these stripes, but I have been given this privilege and, how dare I complain.

I am grateful for this new perspective. I am grateful for this body. I am grateful that it has the ability to house two beautiful baby girls. I am grateful that they are growing and that each line indicates that their bodies are becoming bigger, stronger, and healthier. Lastly, I am grateful for a loving, wonderful husband who recognizes the beauty in these marks of motherhood. 

Numbers.

Here are some numbers I've been thinking about lately:

4: The number of days my husband has been with me since being separated for over three months! YAY!! :)
24: The number of weeks I have been pregnant. Also the HUGE milestone where babies' chances of survival outside the womb increase incredibly!
35: The next milestone I have my eyes set on. This is the number of weeks that, if the babies are born, they will need little to no NICU time.
3: The number of months left til we will for sure have these babies!
13: The number of pounds I've gained since being pregnant! Pretty good, ay??
42: The number of inches my belly measures around.
1.5: Our babies' weight (in lbs) right about now.
132: The number (on average) I feel our babies kick per day. They are little soccer players!
0: The number of seconds I spend NOT thinking about our two little girls!